lost (over and over again)

-
written on May 15, 2022

it’s been a while since i last sat down and wrote my thoughts. lately, i find myself in ‘consuming’ mode rather than ‘creating’. feeling uninspired for the longest time had me asking myself if this is still what i’m curious about and if this is still something i want to work on. 


with the time given each day, i find myself writing more in my journal rather than here which is a supposed to be my safe or creative space — possibly due to the fear of people judging and finding out my struggles, insecurities and what not.


it wasn’t until this quote (and a compilation of other thoughts) that made me sit down and do this on a Sunday night


i lost myself trying to please everyone else
now i’m losing everyone else to find myself


did the quote surprise you too because of how accurate and deep meaning it carries? that’s what i felt from living a life trying to please everyone else and now losing them to find myself; what i stand for, what my beliefs are, what and who i am without ‘everyone else’


thoughts of all kinds were frequent visitors in the past few months and i was left alone in the chaos to process them — to look inward and pin down why i feel a certain way. it was a melting pot of days that were good, some a bother to live through, and some that hit me with a pang questioning my dreams and existence. 


for i now know is a desperate wish to start all over again, i long for some kind of calmness to wash over me. so that i’ll stay grounded on the path, taking steps at my own pace.


the path of finding and being my own light


though all the work and hours you’re putting in now may seem insignificant, i promise you that one day when you look back — you will be proud of how far you’ve come and how each of those blocks made you who you are

writing this as a note to remind myself at any point in time; 

it’s alright to feel lost in this journey of finding oneself, to figuring out who i am becoming, to accepting my flaws, to have patience with myself — even if i was feeling all of it and more


it is okay to feel that way but i sincerely hope you have the strength to remember that you have ?? even if you feel paralysed by the darkness


ending this post with something written in my journal for the month of May ;

“Do not think for one minute that because you are who you are, that you cannot be who you want to be”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

JUST CHILLING

-
Image
Taking a break from the endless studying I've been having & while I'm on it, Here's something to cheer you up to those who are having exams like me or maybe you had a bad day  One of my favourite comics of all times  CALVIN AND HOBBES  Exactly how I feel right now Hobbes is so cute in the last box  :D Gotta stop lazying as computer finals is tomorrow!   So tired of studying already  Finals please hurry up cos I want to go back home in Penang already :(  Countdown : 10 days to go, and 3 more papers after tmrw's computer system. P.S Am hoping for the best for French and also other subjects.   Bon courage to myself!  Ciao lovelies!
Read more

Two Seconds

-
It was a hunch, that took two seconds. I thought I saw you, A little different from what I remember, But it felt like this was it. I doubted myself, Thinking that it might just be you, Just when I least expect it. The two seconds felt like a lifetime, The moment your eyes locked on mine. For two seconds, I was caught off guard, For thinking that this is how we would see each other again. When the time was up, I broke the connection and returned to my phone. While ‘you’ head the other direction. There and then I thought – silly me For thinking that either of us would’ve done something, Given that it’s been three long years since we last saw each other. As if anything would happen in the first place. Two seconds was all it took – For that thought to vanish, and we return to being strangers again, Walking our own separate paths. Even though it wasn’t you A sudden thought came to my mind – Why is it that I feel this way, Is this some kind of affect...
Read more

Unforgiven

-
Image
2 weeks of classes are done and tomorrow is the start of the third week.   I felt like a huge burden has been lifted up (not completely) once last week was over.  From being at the booth to promote the event and ensuring all the venues for my station games has been booked to finalizing the trial run this recent Saturday.  And not to mention having one report to hand in this coming Tuesday without knowing what to write for the discussion as we did not get the results according to the theories.  Almost forgotten to mention of another drama assignment where it is going to be a musical kinda thing with regards to the Principles of Biotechnology subject.  Yeah, that was the summary of my week 2 in the last semester of my second year.   As for the third week, it is finally the Interaction Day which is the event that I have been planning ever since December.  May all goes well and yours truly is excited to be the photogr...
Read more